im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
