I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
