i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
