You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
