You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize