I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
