and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
