Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
