I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
