Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
