I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
