so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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