I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
