i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
