you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
