he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
