I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
only if we run a train.
done.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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