I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
