go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
