Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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