In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
