i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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