he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
