All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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