Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
