Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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