my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
