I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
