I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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