Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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