That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
