your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
