Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
