oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
