I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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