I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
