I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
