I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i think i have two assholes
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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