He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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