If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
