For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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