im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
