I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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