Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
