Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
