I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
