Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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