seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
