I want to walk on stilts...naked
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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