dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We named our party play list daddy issues
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
