What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
